[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*