When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief