Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.