i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
You Might Also Like
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.