If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
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When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
cause of death:
autopsy.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
#dalle2
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.