My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Facebook memories be like
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Sponch
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
This checks out