For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
This hospital has everything
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.