Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
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Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.