been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
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*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”