First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
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9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.