When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.