Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*