Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
You Might Also Like
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Oh hi lol
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I want what they have
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
all bases covered
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be