Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
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MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Autocorrect is my menesis
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!