People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school