When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.