I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence