The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.