PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
You Might Also Like
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
ok this is my dumbest yet
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.