If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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birds and squirrels envy us
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
pizza
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so