Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum