I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.