I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Food gives you energy to nap more.