[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: I鈥檇 like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I鈥檓 so sorry ma’am, he鈥檚 in training here’s your tall blonde roast
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i鈥檇 still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 馃槍馃檹
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.