During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?