Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
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It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.