Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?