All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
just pretend nothing happened
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.