Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
You Might Also Like
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.