Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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where’s Godzilla when we need him
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.