God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
You Might Also Like
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
This will never not be funny to me.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.