I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.