At least he brought enough for everyone
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
sliding into dms like
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Thursday Thought.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
can’t talk my ride’s here
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.