Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
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I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it