By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
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Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
HELP 😭
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.