Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
You Might Also Like
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
The Onion called it…again.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Ain’t no way