Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.