I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.