Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
He’s dead
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now