*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Candles never taste the way they smell
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.