I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
You Might Also Like
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
i wish i could marry a nap
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
#MeanwhileinCanada
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.