“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.