How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich