Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
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Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!