My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
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Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.