[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
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Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran