This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*