I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.