2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses