I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes